Philip J. Goscienski, M.D.
October 2009
"Break it up, you two!" "Do I have to come up there?" "She hit me first." "Did not!"
I'd be really surprised if any reader has not heard these exclamations as a parent or uttered them as a child. The ultimate payback comes when you become a parent. Only grandparents can lean back and observe these goings-on without a rise in blood pressure.
During my pediatric practice I enjoyed having the opportunity to inform parents that siblings who seem to battle each other constantly are not only normal but they are hard-wired to do just that. Taking it a step further I explained to parents that boys are supposed to scrap with their fathers and girls are meant to battle their mothers.
In the course of raising six children I was sometimes known to raise my voice as well. At some point — somewhat late as my oldest pointed out — it dawned on me that brothers who were about to rip each other's throats out one moment were giggling over something the next. Whether fighting with their siblings or their parents, they were learning how to deal with other humans in a safe environment.
Neither we nor our children have had to battle for survival as our ancestors did thousands of years ago. There are evil and aggressive people, of course, but they are relatively effectively constrained by laws, fences and if necessary, armed police. Like most primates, humans exist in social groups where everyone eventually learns what the boundaries of behavior are. The existence of criminality doesn't negate that concept.
Children don't have a natural sense of boundaries so it's no wonder that they get into trouble now and then or become bullies. That probably happens as often among wild creatures as it does among civilized ones. The term pecking order is a cliché based on barnyard behavior but that is observed in the corporate boardroom. Should it surprise us that our children are developing skills that will help them to establish their place in the crowd?
In their backyard brawls our children are learning how to deal with peers. When they talk back to their parents they are testing the waters of authority. Our job is to keep things from getting out of hand — that's what parents are for.
Philip J. Goscienski, M.D. is the author of Health Secrets of the Stone Age, Better Life Publishers 2005. Contact him at drphil@stoneagedoc.com.